Hawaii has always been a meaningful place for me. Since my first visit in the 90s, it’s had an influence on me — the pace, the people, the respect for culture, and the sense of peace you feel here. It’s unmatched, or should I say, it matches me at a deep level (not to sound too deep!).
There’s a spot on the North Shore of Kauai, near the Kilauea Lighthouse, that I’ve always considered sacred. It’s quiet, beautiful, and represents total peace. That’s where I’ve asked for my ashes to be placed someday — overlooking the ocean.
So it feels right that I’m here now. This trip isn’t just a vacation — it’s time I’ve set aside on purpose to step back and get clarity on something I’ve been wrestling with for years: my marriage.
The Truth About Where I Am
People sometimes think this separation is still new (including my wife) — a couple of months, maybe — but the truth is, I’ve been living in this uncertainty for a long time. Long before the separation, I was trying to fix things, fix myself, and make sense of what was happening between us.
So when I talk about needing to make a decision, it’s not about rushing. It’s about how long I’ve been carrying this. I’m just tired — tired of the confusion, the emotional back-and-forth, and the constant sense of trying to survive something that’s supposed to bring peace.
I want to either go all-in or move on. What I can’t do is keep living in this middle ground. This just has to stop. Frankly, I am 53, not dead. I still want to move on, have joy in my life, intimacy, and experience all I can before I can’t.
A Reminder from the Past
I found a journal entry from October 2023 that says it better than anything:
“I have to be willing to accept the consequences of divorce in order to solve the conflict and issues she and I are having. Until I accept that possible outcome, I’ll always pull back and give in. I’ll keep allowing myself to be disrespected. I don’t doubt she loves me, but love comes with happiness and respect. What’s the point if she ‘loves’ me but tears me down nearly every day?”
That was two years ago. And it’s still relevant today. That’s my point. And, this was not the beginning of my turmoil in my marriage.
Where I Stand Now
I care about her. She’s genuinely a great person — kind, loyal, passionate, and driven. I will never ever say anything negative about her. But I’ve learned that love and care aren’t enough if it keeps you from living your life.
This trip is about giving myself space to finally decide what comes next. Not from emotion or fear, but from clarity. This trip I am asking myself to bring this struggle to a close, get in or get out.
If You’re in the Same Spot
If you’ve ever been in a relationship that drains you but you keep trying to fix it, I get it. It’s hard to tell the difference between loyalty and self-neglect.
What I’ve learned is this: You must live your life, be true to yourself. That does not mean to be cruel or hurtful; it means you’re human, we’re all here just learning as we go, and doing the best we know how.
That’s what this week in Hawaii is about — closing the loop and getting honest with myself about what I really want from the rest of my life.
Side Note: It’s not all on me, she’s not at home awaiting my decision. I respect her needs and desires. What I am looking to decide is if I lean in 100% – or lean out 100%. To end the mental gymnastics. Comit to the hard work need to rehab our marriage, or comit to the hard work need to start all over.
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